Exercise Twenty-Four: Half-Smiling and Willing Hands
Here’s a skill I should have used over Christmas. If someone hasn’t already written Essential DBT Strategies for the Festive Period, they should. It would be an excellent stocking filler.
“Half-Smiling and Willing Hands are ways to practice Radical Acceptance with your body by softening your facial expressions and hands. These strategies help you Act Opposite to the common action urge you likely experience when you’re frustrated with reality.”
We’re advised to start with minor irritants rather than something that brings on the red mist.
Here are the steps –
1) “Sit in a comfortable position with closed fists in your lap, and bring to mind something or someone that you dislike or find frustrating.”
2) “Imagine this person, remember the conflict, or think about the situation that has caused you suffering. Notice any tension that arises in your body, particularly in your face and your arms.”
3) “First, practice Half-Smiling. Relax all the muscles in your face – unfurrow your brow, let go of any tension in your cheeks, let your tongue drop from the roof of your mouth, and let your teeth drop slightly apart within your mouth. Then, ever so slightly, bring the corners of your lips up; this “half smile’ should not feel tense and forced, and will likely not even be visible to anyone watching you.”
4) “Next, practice Willing Hands. Relax all the muscles in your upper body – drop your shoulders, let your arms hang loosely, gently open your palms upward, and relax your hands and fingers.”
5) ”Continue to think about the thing that frustrates you, and notice how your body feels now in your new position. If you notice muscle tension return, intentionally soften your hands or facial muscles. Take deep belly breaths to further your relaxation.”
So, something difficult happened this week. A chat turned into a full-on ‘let me give you some feedback’ row. I was a bit stunned, though I think it’s always better to know how someone really feels.
Anyway, one of the charges levelled against me was – ‘You worry too much! You probably worry about everything!” I know I do, I wanted to say, but at least I radically accept that I worry a lot. Plus, I thought, who says my worries aren’t legitimate?
But none of this would have cut any ice. Instead I said ‘I’m not you,” which just enraged the person more. “I know you’re not me!’, she said, and stormed off.
Anyway, now that I’m a few days on from this difficulty, it will be good to see if applying Half-Smiling and Willing Hands helps.
When I tried the exercise. I noticed tension in my body at the start, particularly some jaw-clenching. The Half-Smiling definitely felt like an internal smile, though I did feel a bit strange. And the Willing Hands bit left me all floppy rather than keyed-up.
One thing eating away at me is that I contributed to this difficulty. Maybe I should have seen it coming. Luckily the next section of the book is about interpersonal effectiveness.