Exercise Twenty-Three: Identifying What You Need to Radically Accept

I’ve just recovered from one of the four pandemics so, first off, I need to accept that I’m still not at full strength. Then, after that, I need to accept that I feel very guilty about a lot of stuff. I also need to accept that some people I loved are gone, and won’t ever return. On a more mundane level,  I’m now working in an office again, and I need to accept how uncomfortable this makes me feel. Tight finances  - these need accepting. And, annoyingly, I reckon I’ll need to accept that I probably won’t ever feel okay about things I regret  - my failure to act well in the past, and my scattergun destructiveness  Finally, I need to accept that I often feel lost.

“The first step of Radical Acceptance is recognising that you are not accepting reality. It’s easy to get caught up in denial and avoidance, such that you don’t even realise you’re fighting reality. To be willing to accept reality, you must first notice ways in which you’re not. This exercise will help you practise this skill.”

So, I’m asked to choose things on my list that are very important to me, and difficult to accept, and three things that are less painful, and not so important.

“Friendly reminder: acceptance does not mean approval.”

It wasn’t too hard to decide on my ‘difficult’ three –

1)   Accepting that I often feel that I’m a terrible person. Accepting that I most probably was fairly terrible in the past.

2)   Accepting that some doors are closed for good. They just are. I keep thinking that I’ve faced up to this one, and then I realise I haven’t.

3)   Accepting that some people I’d like to make reparation to are dead, and therefore unreachable, whatever the spiritualists say. Accepting that my list of unreachables will only get longer.

And my ‘easier’ list of three is –

1)   Windows. I’d like more of them open, most of the time. I need to accept, very reluctantly, that this won’t always be possible. Part of this acceptance means carrying a portable fan.

2)   I need to get fitter. Fine. I’ll go to the gym more often. Enough already.

3)   I’d love a dog, or a cat, but the circumstances aren’t right at the moment. Boo hoo woof miaow. Accepted.

“Now, double check that there aren’t any judgements, interpretations or assumptions sneaking into your list.”

I’ve checked  - my list seems okay. I could substitute ‘less than ideal behaviour’ for the ‘terrible’ in ‘terrible person’, but that doesn’t seem necessary.  The authors anyway warn that a non-judgemental rewrite (replacing ‘I’m broken’  with ‘I have trouble trusting others because of what I’ve been through’) may be “just as painful or difficult to radically accept.”

The main thing is, though, I’ve started the process. I am now often to be found muttering silently to myself, “I radically accept this, and that too, and that other thing as well.” It sounds odd, but it really does help.