Practice Radical Acceptance
Let’s open with a video on Radical Acceptance from the creator of DBT – Marsha Linehan (lots more content on the Borderliner Notes YouTube channel)
Now, “acceptance does not mean approval, and it does not mean giving up.”
But it does mean “accepting reality with your full body, mind and soul. It requires acting opposite all the way by doing what is needed to live a life that you still experience as meaningful and fulfilling, even when there is pain.”
“In Radical Acceptance you do not ignore pain and sadness, and you take steps to find fulfilment within the circumstances of the life you have (rather than the life you imagined). In meeting life head-on with Radical Acceptance, you can increase your sense of freedom by taking control of whatever you can when the world throws you curveballs (or when you feel like your life is one big curveball).”
Enough with the quotes. Let’s look at what needs to be accepted –
1) The facts of the painful past.
2) The facts of the painful present.
3) What the authors call ‘’reasonable limitations on the future.” This is accepting that some things we really wanted to do (I have my own list of these) almost certainly aren’t going to be possible.
4) Any current distress which can’t immediately be altered.
5) Any situation where problem-solving hasn’t worked.
Like the rest of the DBT concepts, there are skills associated with Radical Acceptance. Here are some examples of Radical Acceptance self-talk –
“This is reality.”
“That happened.”
“This is how things are right now.”
I can imagine saying these phrases to myself, but I have no immediate plans to use the phrases below -
“It could be no other way.”
“Things had to happen that way.”
as they seem facile.
I do, however, like the Wise Mind self-encouragement phrases the authors suggest, such as -
“I can figure this out.”
“I can survive this.”
“I can build a joyful life.”
Radical Acceptance has a big enemy, and that enemy is Wilfulness. I’ve always been a great fan of wilfulness - it can feel very satisfying - but it isn’t helpful if you’re looking for a calmer life, less distress, and greater productivity.
“Wilfulness is refusing to engage in reality as it is, denying the facts, or ignoring what is true or needed in the moment.”
And in order to radically accept, one needs Willingness. This is “participating in life fully, wisely, and effectively. To be willing and accepting, you can ask yourself: ‘If I were truly radically accepting reality, is there anything I would be doing differently in my life right now?’ If so, find willingness, and do it.”
This is a very interesting chapter of the book. Lots of warnings and provisos are given -
“Radical Acceptance is extraordinarily hard.”
“Sometimes acceptance lasts only moments.”
“For the major losses or frustrations in your life, you’ll need to repeatedly choose acceptance. In DBT we call this Turning the Mind, which requires you to notice when you’re non-accepting, and then mindfully make a commitment to accept, over and over again. It’s normal to experience intense fear, anger, or other overwhelming emotions when you are not accepting reality, Coping Ahead for these moments can be a useful tool.”
And now, with all this in mind, it’s time for me to do some real exercises in Radical Acceptance.