Fourth Exercise - Identify and Replace your Judgements

So... it’s time for me to take a recent upsetting experience and write it all down as if I'm telling a sympathetic friend.  I need to include all the awfulness of the event and mention all judgments.

This exercise begins with 3-5 deep breaths.

Dear imaginary sympathetic friend-listener, 

I need to tell you about my recent trip to Vienna. It wasn't a disaster, and I'd long wanted to go there, but because I went on my own, everything got extra- heightened and eventually I thought I might crack up. I have had lone trips like this in the past, where I don't really relax. I just keep going, like a relentless tourist, except fairly soon everything starts to feel utterly joyless. Every morning I’d wake up agitated. What do I have to do today? Everything turned into a task. Will I always travel alone, I asked myself. Forever until I die? If so, I'd like to die abroad, I thought. It would be different, at least.

I haven't always travelled on my own. I went on a few trips (Prague, Porto, Malmö, and the memorable Amsterdam bedbug stay) with Richard Green. But since he died, I've been a lone traveller. And on this last trip, it really got to me. Everywhere I looked I saw people in couples, groups, families, and I started to feel really odd. I tried to shake myself out of it by a trip on the Ghost Train at the Prater Park. And I have to say, it worked, for a bit. This is me mid-ride -

Once I'd staggered off, everything seemed marvelous. That feeling lasted about 20 minutes, and then I was back to medium- to -deep existential unease.

I kept thinking - this is my holiday. Can anyone sense how bad I feel? I'm keeping up the Instagram feed, but I feel so dead. Why does it have to be like this? Why is everyone in a group? Will I be arrested for being so alone?

And so it went on. There were some odd moments of enjoyment, but it was a slog. Why do I pay money for something to be a slog? Why can't I just stay home and have my crises locally?

That's about it, sympathetic imaginary listener. I calmed down the moment I got through my front door. Not doing that again, I thought, as I unpacked my fridge magnets. Even so, I felt a sense of achievement just to have survived. But a wonderful time? No.

Thanks for listening.

The Lone(ly) Traveller 

So, I've written my account. My next task is to look through what I've written, and to identify the judgements. Okay, so there are a few. They're mainly criticisms of myself for travelling alone, for not liking it, for being stupid enough to do it in the first place. Also, there's something lurking underneath (the book advises looking out for these lurking judgements) about the fact that I can't really get beyond myself, or my difficult inner states, when I travel alone. I mean, I know you take yourself with you when you go on holiday, but maybe I'd like to be with myself a little less?

Once I've identified all the judgements, I need to look at the facts of the situation and see how these facts link to the emotions felt. I expect this to go in a loop that looks a bit like -

An already lonely person (who used to have a travelling companion of sorts) now goes on lone trips which make her feel lonelier and remind her of what she's lost, or what she can't do (enjoy solo travel), and also, isn't there something wrong with her anyway given most people travel in packs? Furthermore, because this trip was difficult, and other holidays have been too, won’t all lone travel be similarly tricky, and so therefore WHAT AM I GOING TO DO IF I NEVER FIND ANYONE TO GO ON HOLIDAY WITH EVER AGAIN? I might as well be dead. How will I arrange being dead? It needs to happen soon because this is unbearable. And so on.

I can hear a voice shouting GROUP TRAVEL. That voice is probably right.

I could say more here about the loop I get into, how the pleasure of arriving somewhere new gets pushed out by these other, older emotions. And I notice that not once did I praise myself for my adventures, or how much I saw (as a grimly determined tourist). If I did this trip again, I would add in guided tours, things that offer sustained contact with others, and a chance to really absorb someone else's enthusiasm. I spent too much time on the City Bus, and not enough time engaging with people, though I did try. One afternoon, I met another lone traveller on a river cruise. We discussed Israel, artificial intelligence, and maths. It was an interesting hour spent. Later in the week I went on a day trip to Hungary to see a friend. Wandering round Budapest with him was lovely.

Now that I can see how many judgements, and catastrophic feelings are in my account, I'm ready for my final task - to rewrite my letter with non-judgemental words. Easy.

Woman who always wanted to go to Vienna to see the Ferris Wheel and Freud's Consulting rooms did exactly that. She went alone, got rather lonely at times, had a bit of a crisis, and then came back home. She doesn't regret going, but she will try to do things a bit differently in future because these crises are not fun and need managing. A rich person would take their own travelling therapist, she concludes.

The book asks me to consider this new, non-judgemental version of events and how I feel. Well, it all looks okay written like this. The authors wisely say that -

'Judgements tend to intensify our emotions. In fact, when we react ineffectively, it is often because we are reacting to our judgements.'

To reach our goals (my goal here would be to have a less angst-ridden trip) we need to remove all judgements (negative and positive) from difficult situations so that we can see the facts, and respond effectively.

I'll conclude with something from my trip which remains a source of pleasure – pictures of my visit (long-deferred) to the Sigmund Freud Museum.