Three Exercises in One
And now for a bit of shameless condensing. I’m going to cover three exercises in one go. This is mainly because I haven’t got much going on right now to apply them to. No ructions, no heartbreaks, no situations I need to rescue. But that could change at any time. Which I why I need to look more closely at the DEAR MAN skills.
Here’s the first exercise of the three –
Constructing a DEAR Script.
“In this exercise, you will practise constructing a DEAR script using an example from a recent or ongoing personal situation…Make sure to be concise. A common mistake is to go into an unnecessary amount of detail, and the other person is likely to stop listening to what you’re saying. A full DEAR script is typically just a few sentences, not several paragraphs.”
Here are the steps –
1) Decide on your tricky interpersonal situation.
2) Identify your desired result.
3) Write out the words you’ll say to the other person. Focus on the facts. Remember to be objective and nonjudgmental.
4) Express your feelings about these facts, and don’t assume the other person has psychic powers. Remain nonjudgemental.
5) Be assertive in asking for what you want, or in turning down a request.
6) Reinforce the other person. Think reward, or what’s in it for them, rather than punishment.
A few provisos from the authors –
“Once you have completed all the components of your DEAR script, review your responses and edit as necessary to increase their effectiveness, Be sure to use your WISE MIND as you do this, as EMOTION MIND is liable to make your script more aggressive, judgmental or avoidant. Lastly, practice reading your script out loud or role play it with a friend. When the time comes for the real conversation, you will be more likely to stick to the script and sound more natural doing it.”
Up next, it’s exercise 2 – Incorporating the MAN Skills.
This exercise focusses on incorporating the MAN skills into a DEAR script. This may sound like spy work, but it’s actually about adding mindfulness, a confident appearance and negotiation to whatever you’re going to say.
The steps here are -
1) “Review your objective and DEAR script from the previous exercise.
2) “Identify what you can do to stay Mindful of your objective. Are there any specific attacks, threats, or distracting comments that the other person is likely to make?”
3) “Consider steps you can take to Appear confident. What would it look like to Act Opposite to anxiety?”
4) Prepare specific negotiation strategies to use. Ask Wise Mind: What would I be willing to give in order to get what I want? It is helpful to have a Plan B (and C!) in mind in case negotiation is needed.
5) Get practising! – by roleplay, rehearsing in front of a mirror, or imagining yourself in the conversation.
Step 5 mustn’t be skipped because “actual behavioural practice is the most effective way to both improve at these skills as well as increase the likelihood that you use them.”
The final exercise here is DEAR MAN Practice.
It’s about taking the DEAR MAN skills, and applying them to situations big and small. Anything from ordering your morning coffee to trying to change a difficult dynamic in a relationship.
In the coffee example below, the authors go into overkill –
“I’ve been tired all morning and would love to feel more alert. Can I please have a large, iced coffee with skim milk and sugar? I would really appreciate it!”
They advise that not all situations call for every part of the DEAR MAN script. Sometimes it’s fine to just ask for coffee politely and directly (the ASSERT skill).
Next up, we get to learn how to Protect Your Relationships with Others…and with Yourself.